Wednesday, August 03, 2005
I am lazy...
Many of us appear to be all right in general, but there are still some areas in which we are careless and lazy
These are the opening words of Oswald Chambers in the July 31 devotional of My Utmost for His Highest. I think this is so true of me. If you looked at me, you might think I'm alright. You also might think that I'm a big arrogant SOB that needs to be drop-kicked in the head by the biggest wrestler you could find. But, you just might think I'm alright. Either way, the truth is that I'm not. I'm not ok, I'm not alright. I've got my faults... I've got many. And right up there, smack dab at the top is this total, utter, fascination with being selfish. If I were an artist, I'd probably be painting self portraits. I mean, I have hours upon hours of time during the day and I choose to spend it on me.
Now, there are things in my life that I want to change, that I want to become better at. But instead of spending time on those things, I spend time on myself. I do things that I want to do.
There happens to be this book I absolutely hate. I read it in English class in High School. It's called A Picture of Dorian Grey. I think it's the worst book I've ever read. But I probably think so because I'm more like that painter than character than I ever want to admit. I'm selfish, and I'm lazy about my selfishness.
So if I'm a betting man, and if Chambers is right, I can probably count on being bombarded with this fact until I've either become so utterly beaten down by this aspect of my life that I can do nothing but submit... or I decide to change, no, I let God change me (and at the same time am active in this - kinda like a Hiphail verb in Hebrew?). Anyway, it's grist for the mill. And hopefully the bread that gets churned out, I'll eventually be able to share with others...