Friday, March 31, 2006

Weaknesses...

So Wednesday, I met with my pastor over at my Field Ed. Church and we had our weekly check-in. Often these meetings have been driven by my questions - "How did you seek your first call?" "How do you juggle family & ministry?" and the like. But this day, as I drove in, for the life of me I couldn't think of any questions we could talk about. I was a little worried that our time wouldn't be fruitful.

So, I walk in and once we'd said our greetings, my pastor/supervisor turns to me and says "We're going to talk about you today. Tell me what your weaknesses are." And BAM, just like that I was on the "hot seat."

There was no need to ask him any questions because we spent the entire time talking about my weaknesses. The first two were easy - quick temper & procrastination/time mangagement. But despite the fact that I felt like I went into great detail about these issues in my life, he wanted more. So, out I dragged "over-competitive" and what I felt was a slew of generic little things that didn't compare to the first two, issues that I truly felt and feel are my biggest weaknesses.

As we wound down the hour, and has he'd mentioned before, he talked about how knowing yourself is important, especially in ministry. You can't slay the beast you don't know is there. But then he turned to me and rather matter-of-factly said "I think you need to do some more digging, because what you've said is rather generic and I don't think it's at the heart - so keep digging and thinking."

What? Are you kidding? If he wanted, I wouldn've sat there and named every sin I'd committed since Grade 1 (all that I could remember). I don't think I was hiding anything back. I think I know myself fairly well. Now, I should mention that he affirmed that he felt I was "healthy" and had many good skills for ministry... but when he sat there and called me out, I didn't know what to think - I still don't know what to think. Do I not know myself as well as I think? Are there unresolved issues that are sapping me and waiting in the wings to tackle me? I didn't THINK so, but now I'm not sure.

So, I was wondering. If you're reading this and you know me, throw me a bone. Tell me what you think my greatest weaknesses are - don't hold back. If you don't feel comfortable writing it in a reply, send me an e-mail. I'd love to hear your feedback...


Oh yeah, and the pic? The Wooly Mammoth was huge, but it couldn't adapt to the changing climate. It was strong & powerful, but its weakness, it's size and positive elements were its downfall when things changed. I don't want to be a Mammoth!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

your biggest weakness as I see it is this: you don't e-mail enough pictures of your gorgeous new son to your sister-in-law!

Unknown said...

DennisS,

I appreciate your comments, and they are very interesting. The fact that you took the time to comment is enough for me not to write you off.

I would wholeheartedly agree that a quick temper & procrastination are symptoms - but of what is the question. I fully recognize the family situation I grew up in - I come from a broken home, a father who was controlling and my mother took me and my sister when we were young to get out of that situation. I recognize the tendencies in myself toward being controlling and it is something that I constantly wrestle with. My wife would say I sometimes go too far the other way. At the same time, my home ended up being plenty loud with plenty of arguments, etc. But the same person that modeled that modeled a great love and dependence on Christ - always a dichotomy.

The truth is, I'm very self-reflective. If anything, I'm self-absorbed. If there's a root in this, I believe it's simply selfishnes. I feel I came to grips with my father and mother years ago. I know who they are, I love them for who they are. Yes, there are things that happened that I wish I could have back, but "un-resolved"? I don't think so. If anything, there's an unresolved issue with fully submitting to Christ. If I'm going to name something THAT's it.

I did my psychological evaluation 2 years ago when I began the process of becoming an Inquirer. He didn't recommend I seek counseling - he actually said I was surprisingly candid and that THAT might get me in trouble in the future, that I should be careful to be so trusting of others.

I say this not to contradict your thoughts, because again, I find them helpful. But my biggest surprise is simply to garner the reaction that a) I'm not truly being "honest" or b) that I haven't thought enough about this.

I'd be curious to know exactly how you became aware that the issue with your father was unresolved - and in what way did you resolve it? Was it a matter of sitting down and talking with him? Was it a matter of simply "forgiving" him? Was it "naming" it?

I'd love to hear more...

Unknown said...

DennisS -

Again, I appreciate your comments and your willingness to be so open & honest. No worries about jumping to conclusions or anything, I wasn't offended and still believe there was some good in your observations.

As for my pastor - I respect him and his ministry. You could have indeed been right about believing there was something under there - or that he'd seen something that I didn't mention, for which I hope to get an idea from him next time we talk.

Some of what you mentioned sounded familiar (controlling father) but the physical abuse was never there and my mom got out early (I was 6)so his influence was minimal after that.

I'm in the middle of a very busy week right now with a major presentation & paper upcoming, but I'll comment more when I get a chance.

Again, I really enjoyed your personal story & insights and look forward to more discussion soon...