Blessed with time

I was remarking to some friends today that I was stretched in many different directions and I couldn't give anything up in fact, the only way I'd be able to give up something was to ditch class. Well, after having my first class' presentation postponted until Wed, circumstances conspired for me to skip my second class of the day and come home early - to my friend who was watching our children - where we would swap for the afternoon. Up until today, I have been blessed with 3-4 hrs of at least one child being awake - and often fussy. But right now, as Andrew has left for class, I sit here on the couch in relative silence (save for Snickers cleaning himself and the rustling of squirrels in our ceiling).

It's a small blessing, I know. But I need them - the small ones. I'm frankly pretty jealous of all my friends who are struggling more with motivation to do work than anything else. They've all finished their internships (a summer-long one going into your Sr. year will do that) and their wives are not working fulltime. I'm stretched between School, Internship @ Trenton Psych, Brennan - oh yeah, and preparing for next year, whatever that looks like. I need these small little blessings of time to remind myself that the "feeling" of being stretched in so many different places, is only for a time. That soon, I'll be able to focus again. Soon, I'll be back "working" not in school, not "interning" and probably not the "fulltime caregiver" of our son. All things that by themselves I will miss - but together, I probably won't miss them all.

But it also brings to mind a simple fact that I know about myself - the grass is always greener - and I'm always admiring it from a distance. I don't know if it's something about our culture, my upbringing, or simply my inability to be satisfied, but from a young age I've always spent a lot of time daydreaming about what was next - next season, next year, next job, next school, next city, next, next, next. Since I have not lived in the same place for more than 2 yrs (over the past decade) or even the same city for 4 years in that span - I've begun to wonder if this transient lifestyle will continue. I don't know that I want it to, but I know that I enjoy new places, new challeneges, new people... and so I look for that new, that next.

And as I sit here typing, thinking about my current busy schedule, I can't help but think of what will be next year - and then the first baby wakes up...

SOMEONE thinks I'm ready

Actually, the truth is more like AT LEAST two people think I know enough about Theology/Exegesis/Polity/Worship to be an ordained pastor. Here's the story - Monday was the date we were "supposed" to hear back about our ordination exams. They were graded a month ago, written two months ago, but we'd find out Monday if we passed or not - the actual exams will be returned in about a week from now. Well, all morning we're sending back and forth e-mails, text messages and phone calls trying to find out if the results had come in yet. But finally, just before 2pm the e-mail was sent out - we could come in to claim our "prizes" anytime before 4:30pm that day. Which was great, 'cause I was looking after both Brennan & Denali until about 4:15pm or so...

Well, our friend Rachel came to pick up Denali at about 4:10pm, I grabbed Brennan from his crib (where he'd been sleeping peacefully) threw on his jacket, into his car seat and sped to campus. I reached the office just in time, and was handed an envelope with the contents of the picture inside. What you may not be able to read is that I received a Satisfactory grade on all 4 of the exams I wrote in August. Not that after writing them I had any more angst about passing them than any other exam I've ever written - I mean, once they're out of your hands, there's pretty little you can do. In fact, I felt like the questions were more than fair and that especially on the Theology, Polity & Worship exams there were not many enormous pot holes. In fact, as of right now I'm not sure I know of anyone who has failed those three - of course, my sphere is kinda small right now, so who knows.

But as I looked at those results, it was kinda freaky too. People have read my thoughts and arguments and believe that what I said so conforms to the standards in our denomination as they abide by Scripture that they feel like I'm worthy to be ordained... that I could possibly be THEIR pastor. Whao! Over the next few months I'm going to be preparing more paperwork for my Final Assessment, the last real hurdle before seeking and accepting a first call to be someone's pastor. I know I've grown a lot in these past few years - but it's still a little surreal to think that I'm not far off from being someone's pastor. There is a lot of responsibility with that and I know I'm not quite ready. I know that this last year has taken its toll on me physically, emotionally and spiritually and that these next months are going to be crucial in preparing for the pastorate. Princeton doesn't do a particuarly good job in preparing people to be pastors - great thinkers/writers/communicators, great at deconstructing ideas, great at dialoguing - but not necessarily great at the skills needed to survive and thrive in ministry. That's where one has to be intentional, and so that's what I'm about to do right now...

What's UP?!

Ok, so there are two main reasons - well 3 really, that this blog has been empty for the past 3 weeks:

1. I've been crazy busy, getting back into the groove of things, classes, chaplaincy, taking care of Brennan & our friends' daughter Denali...

2. Blogger has been sucking on and off lately. We've had a ton of problems loggin in & posting blogs - especially pictures...

3. But the biggest issue has been my Macbook - argghhh!!

Believe it or not, Apple is not perfect, and definitely not above criticism. My new Macbook caught the "Randomly Shutting Down" problem that I guess has been fairly common among the new Intel based Macs. I guess there's some issue and they need to replace the Heatsync - whatever that is. Anyway, after experiencing this shutting down at numerous inopportune times, I finally put the call into Apple and they eventually told me to send it in. So, I also didn't have it for nearly a week. Kinda hard to do anything online w-out a computer.

But I must say, once I finally got the box (which took about 5 days once it was "overnighted" by DHL) it was back in 4 days, not bad. And since then (Friday) it hasn't shut down once and I've gone back to using it the way I did before, not changed anything. So I can only assume that the problem's fixed.

As for the rest of my life right now - I'll find out today whether I passed my Ordination exams. I'll also stay up late tonight working on a paper for my "Kingdom of God" class - where I plan to look at the story of the Transfiguration in Matthew, Mark & Luke and see how the identity of Jesus affects the idea of the "Kingdom of God" or if it does. I've done some of the prelim work, but I doubt that I'll be finishing it tonight - which means that I'll have to fit it around Game 3 of the World Series which has been one of my major distractions (not that I need any new ones) but it's hard not to watch when MY TEAM (the Detroit Tigers) are playing in their first World Series since 1984 - when I happened to be 6, and honestly don't remember it at all. Probably 'cause it was smack dab in the middle of my parents splitting up for the second time - yeah, that might be bigger to a 6 year old than the World Series.

Anyway, I'm hoping to get back to this blog more regularly, now that I have the tools to do so again. I'll try and carve out some time AT LEAST once a week. I do have a bunch of things I've been wanting to write about, like my surprise trip to Canada, my friend Karl Barth and even my trip to a Hindu temple - not to mention the kickn' Flag Football team I'm playing on on Saturday mornings... go RED Team!

So, more to come later...

Joy

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Today I was reminded of the power of God and the ability we have to stop up that power in our own lives. I should be careful here because I don't want to come off all "prosperity gospel" or anything because I believe that's a crock of $#!%. But the simple fact of the matter is that in this world, especially with our mass communication via internet, television, radio and print media, there are more and more things that we can think on. We have the ability to go anywhere we like and hear these voices, refraining from silence and not allowing the Spirit of God a minute of solitude to speak to us. It is not difficult at all. I've realized the especially negative slant that each of these often take, whether it's Sports Talk Radio, Rush Limbaugh or the new Progressive Talk Radio - the name of the game is complaining. Straight up negativity. Go to your local or national news and its the same. The internet is flush with stories about the problems in our world - real or imagined...

Now, please don't get me wrong, we absolutely need to keep abreast of what is going on in our world. I will not, cannot advise us to put our heads in the sand. That is simply idiotic. But there's a great difference between keeping informed in order to do something and simply being a passive conduit for gossip - a fly attracted to the ever-glowing orb of sin that is in our society - moth to the flame. It's not necessary to know of EVERY murder in order to know that there are people suffering the loss of a loved one. We do not need to know the details of every celebrity divorce to know that our fratured society contiues to press incredibly on the bonds of marriage. We do not need to watch ever police car chase, in-store robbery video or surveliance camera to know that people are running and hurting each other...

What I was reminded of today, after a great time of sharing and prayer with my good friend Jeff, was that we can be even more effective ministers and servants of the Lord when we actually dwell on those things that are good, pure, lovely, true, noble... When our mind is thinking of God, we can have the eyes of God to see the hurt, the heart of God to be moved to action and the hands and voice of God to act in the way that God knows is best. I thought of this today on my way to Trenton Psychiatric Hospital where I will be interning as a chaplain this year. I was nervous - scared really, with the prospect of being on a "floor" for the first time, coming face to face with patients in "their" environment, with no structure or no other people to hold on to... but as I finally rolled up and parked, I was singing Chris Tomlin song, about our Awesome God... and the fear seemed to be a distant memory. Instead it was God, the ever-present help in trouble, the one who cares so deeply for these people, who wants more than anyone to bring healing and restoration to their tormented lives - that God was on my mind, and somehow the idea of meeting with these people seemed to be so much less terrifying. As it turned out, I only got my ID card, said high to my supervisors, picked up some bulletins and headed out. No visiting floors, no stopping in to see patients, not today.

But I realized in all of this, that I've spent a lot of time lately thinking on things other than God. Not always terrible things, not necessarily dwelling on the dark side of our society, watching horror movies or something - but simply not on God - not on THE Good. And I was reminded of the power of God to fill our minds with joy and hope when we only choose to think on God. When we cease to fill our minds with all the other stuff, when we allow God room to work, room to move in our lives - we can begin to experience the joy that God so desperately wants to give us.

Now, mind you, I'm not talking about being happy. Happiness and joy are miles apart. Joy is deeper and more lasting and it can remain even in those times of unhappiness. Joy is what is found in God - happiness, well that's probably best described as the good feelings you get from other things - which are always fleeting, the brief highs from those things of this world. But the joy of the Lord...

Week 1 in the Books...

[Note: Blogger has been crapping out on me lately, this post was from yesterday]
As I sit here, taking care of not one, but two infants, I'm getting just a taste of the fact that so few of us live a charmed life. For the most part, I've done pretty well for 28 years. I've never been stuck in a Katrina-like Natural disaster. I've never found msyelf without a job or a home. I've never faced a major physical injury or disease, no pronouncements of cancer, not even a broken bone. Instead, I've been blessed with enough brains and athletic ability to enjoy high school sports and music and attend college in another country. I got married to my college sweetheart, lived in Los Angeles for 4 years, working at an amazing church, and now have the luxury of attending one of the most prestigous seninaries in the nation (I'll make no claims to whether it deserves the prestige). And of course we've been blessed with a wonderful son...

So, when I look at my current situation, being a full-time seminary student, with an internship this semester and taking care of our son while my wife works full-time, with the addition of course of our friend's daughter 2 days a week as we baby swap so that we can attend our classes, I'm gettign at least a little reminder that most people don't have the luxury of having things handed to them, and being able to screw around every day, looking for something to do. I used to experience some of that, but no more.

Now, I don't say this to complain. I still believe I've got it pretty well compared to many others. I say this in many was as a reminder to myself. Looking back, I don't think I can remember a time in my life where I've had such a packed schedule, day in and day out. In High School I was pretty busy, but I never had to worry about paying any bills, making dinner, taking care of a little baby who depends on you for everything... This is definitely the busiest I've ever been. And yet there are people out there who work 3 jobs as single parents to take care of their kids. They can't afford a babysitter or new clothes. There are people who are caring for aged relatives inside their cramped home, where they never thought they'd have to find another bedroom...

I think this year may be a very good opportunity for me to not only learn to be discipline (or die trying) but also to learn something about those who don't have 10-20+hrs/wk to devote to "hobbies" or other things of little importance. And those are the people most likely I'll be serving in the parish a year from now. And figuring out how to serve them, how to be a minister of the gospel to people who are suffering, and busy with life, things that they simply have to do to survive...Hopefully, I'll learn something of that this year. I'll certainly be in the rice places for it...

First Day of "school"

Brennan went in to Daycare this morning for his first time. He'll be going 2 mornings per week (Tuesday & Thursday) this year while I attend class and study. It was a big day for all of us, but his teacher said he had a "great day." Here's a breakdown of what he did:

"Brennan listened to the story "Spot Goes to School" and to the song "Good Morning." He had fun playing with stacking cups and soft animals. Brennan played in the exersaucer, took a stroller ride up and down the sidewal and had a busy morning!"

It' so cool that they give us a report like this EACH day. They also tell us what he ate & what time, along with nap and diapers (which I figured no one was concerned for me to recite. As hard as it is for us to give him a way for the day (well, it's not THAT hard) we know he's in a good place with good people and he'll have fun and be safe.

I got another one of those moments today, when he came back, the "I'm a dad" moments where you start thinking about the enormity of the task. There are going to be many more of these "first days of school" and one day a "first day of college" and in between I'm going to be responsible for teaching him about life. It's a big responsibility, and I know I'm going to fail a lot. He's probably going to learn some bad habits from me and maybe some bad words (uh... but I don't know any...) So I just gotta keep praying that somehow he'll turn out alright. Luckily, I'm not alone, I've got a little help...

Simply Out of the Loop

Between Ords, vatationing and spending eight ours per day taking care of my son - I've simply felt out of the loop on a lot of things lately. I've gotten out of a good rythm which for me is one of the most important things for me to be feeling good about things. I thrive in a set schedule but when I get out of that, I get into a funk. It's not that bad right now, but I walk around the apartment continually thinking of things that I need to do but either a) aren't able to do or b) just don't want to do.

I know it's only going to get tougher in 2 weeks when classes start - so I guess I've got just a few weeks to get myself in order. Oh boy...